For long I thought I was respecting myself but I was just wasting my time. I was just doing what I wanted to do. This is not respecting yourself, this is listening to your lizard brain who only wants to survive and get lazy. This is not what I truly want to be: I have no desire to be remembered as lazy. And as I keep reminding myself: I’m probably the laziest guy I know. This is quite embarrassing actually. All this time I have wasted just because I did “what I wanted to do”.
“What do I want?” is probably not the right question… “Who do I want to be?” seems more appropriate.
I would like to decipher the code of this world. I have the feeling that most people wear distorsion glasses. Perhaps if you are a Zen master or a Swami you have found a way to take these glasses off. I’m still wearing them and all this time I thought I was living in the world, I was just blindly being carried by something I didn’t even see. It takes a lot of humility to accept it that your vision is probably false. And at the same time it’s easy to accept and have a glimpse at this real world.
Letting go is a way of not making your distorsion glasses worse. That’s why many people tell you to let go and this is great… But it doesn’t make your glasses clearer either. Observing the way you appreciate your experiences is much more useful if you want to advance in deciphering the world. Quite often I find myself judging instead of observing. Do you think scientists who study Cancer judge this disease? Probably not… They would get too depressed. They observe it, they observe the way it works, the way it infects tissues. I’m pretty sure they can be fascinated even! In the end they find a way to understand the disease and they realize that their vision was just distorted the whole time… But without these countless days of observing they would not be able to figure out shit.
I love science and I believe scientists are probably the best philosophers. And I’m seriously quite surprised that most Swamis have a really good knowledge of physics and science in general. I wouldn’t have thought of that before studying more of their writings. We should act like them and use a scientific approach. However most people (including me) are so confident that their own bullshit is so “right” that they don’t take time to observe what is going on in their lives. It’s easy to judge and say others are wrong but you are probably as wrong as many. Judging is faster. But how can you judge if you know when you realize that you are probably not seeing things clearly? Judging is probably the worst form of disrespect you can give yourself.
This is why I’m observing more. I want to adopt the scientist mind in all situations.
- I’m facing a problem: How can I analyze it and make it easier to solve?
- I’m having a good time with friends: What are the sensations? How does it change my perception of the world?
- Someone giving me some bad news: What process do I enter in? Am I in control or am I letting my feelings take over?
- I’m bored: What is going inside me? How deep is this feeling of emptiness?
When you stop judging the situations you are living things become lighter and distorsions fade off a bit. Most situations are much simpler when you don’t let your emotions making you spiral out of control. This is what I think of when I start doing “what I want to do”. Am I doing it as a reaction to escape a situation or am I truly respecting myself and observing what is happening?
Just try to observe what is going on in your daily life, it doesn’t need to be extraordinary to start with. Most “insignificant” situations can often tell you more about yourself and the world than the emotion charged ones.
And when you consciously observe what happens and respect yourself, you become a better part of this world. It’s probably the best way to start deciphering the world, don’t you think?